This is a review of the Blu-Ray Edition of The Cabin In The Woods . This review does not contain any spoilers. If you haven’t seen the movie yet, and you’re on the fence about seeing it, consider this: If you like Horror movies, you will probably like the movie. If you do NOT like Horror movies, and instead like watching documentaries or Masterpiece Theater, then you should just quit reading this right now and find something on the Discovery or History Channel, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
The Cabin In The Woods is a film starring Chris Hemsworth, Kristen Connolly, Anna Hutchison, Fran Kranz, Richard Jenkins, and Bradley Whitford. Directed by Drew Goddard (writer for Buffy, Angel, Lost) and produced by Joss Whedon (Buffy, Angel, Dollhouse), if you read between the lines of the director’s and producer’s pedigree, you’ll see a clue into what the film is about, especially the Lost, and the Dollhouse clues. Not literally between the lines–figuratively between the lines.
This part of the review is called the synopsis. The reviewer briefly writes what the film is about. Five stereotypical kids go to a cabin in the woods. One by one they are killed. If you’re thinking that maybe you’ve seen this movie before, that’s because you have. But if you made it this far, you will keep watching. Usually the reviewer wants to throw in a spoiler at this point to prove his point, but since this is a spoiler free review, the reviewer just casually steers you away from the spoiler. The best reviewers are really nothing more than highly skilled puppeteers, the master of their realm of the written word, pulling the strings to lead you, the movie watcher, to understand that this movie is in fact not like the other movies you have seen. So you have to trust the reviewer. Just let the strings guide you.
This is the part of the review where the reviewer breaks down what kind of film this is, using specific examples of other films the reviewer may feel are similar examples of the genre. This is a Horror film, so think Horror when reading this part. This is also the reviewer’s way of secretly spoiling the film. Just by mentioning other films, he’s implanting images and triggering memories like some kind of Videodrome in your head. You become aware that yes, there is someone controlling this review, it is not entirely unbiased. Readers often feel threatened at this point. Readers don’t like feeling they are The Player in a controlled eXistenZ, caught in some kind of Arrested Development forcing their own thought Adaptation. What is this, some kind of Fight Club? Reviewers don’t like alienating their readers, so they back off a little, driving home the strong points of the film without making you feel you’re about to watch Family Guy or 30 Rock. If the reviewer didn’t like the movie, they point out the weaknesses here. Fortunately, this film doesn’t have any weaknesses other than the fact you haven’t seen it yet.
The last part of the review is where the reviewer gives it everything they’ve got. With this film, only the truth will work. So, if you go into this film expecting to see werewolves, and zombies, and zombie redneck torture families, and Pinhead, and the dollface killers from The Strangers, and vampire bats, and Pennywise the Clown, then you need to be careful what you wish for. If you’re wanting to watch a smart, deliciously different kind of Horror movie that is just plain ass-kicking fun with an ending that will make you say Wow, you cannot go wrong with The Cabin In The Woods.